Texts From Last Night
by p.r. fox
Summary: 99% of the time, Sherlock can't be bothered to proofread his texts. / / "Luckily I've learned how to translate your bizarre AutoCorrect mishaps, Sherlock. Anyone else might've been alarmed if you asked them to look at the 'new fetus' in the kitchen."


**Crack. Just…crack and immaturity. And I know the format doesn't match that of an iPhone, I just wanted to make it seem more…text-y. All of the mishaps with AutoCorrect were seen on damnyouautocorrect-dot-com.  


* * *

**

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
5:44 PM**

We're out of milk.

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
JOHN WATSON  
5:45 PM**

I'll pretend that was a polite request that I buy some.

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
5:46 PM**

Good. Also, we need more poofarts.

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
JOHN WATSON  
5:49 PM**

Er. Sorry?

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
5:50 PM**

What?

**5:50 PM**

Oh. Poptarts* rather. AutoCorrect is unreliable.

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
JOHN WATSON  
5:51 PM**

Never before have I wanted to say "lol" more than I want to right now.

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
5:52 PM**

Grow up.

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
JOHN WATSON  
5:53 PM**

Says the man well past the age of 22 who wants Poptarts.

* * *

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
10:21 PM**

It was the penis butter! That's what poisoned her! You're closest to her flat—go back there and see if the seal on the container has been broken!

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
JOHN WATSON  
10:26 PM**

I've hailed a cab and I'm headed for her flat. But I have to ask…what the hell is penis butter?

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
10:27 PM**

For God's sake. Peanut butter*

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
JOHN WATSON  
10:28 PM**

Oh, well that makes much more sense. I'm still laughing at you.

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
10:29 PM**

This is no laughing matter.

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
JOHN WATSON  
10:30 PM**

Please, you like to giggle at crime scenes. You're just angry because you can't figure out how to type on your iPhone.

* * *

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
11:55 AM**

We will have to do dinner air sanitize time. We have a case.

**11:56 AM**

Another time* That one doesn't even make any sense.

* * *

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
3:01 PM**

Don't text me for a while. I'm expecting anal from Lestrade.

**3:01 PM**

Damn it.

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
JOHN WATSON  
3:02 PM**

…are you now?

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
3:03 PM**

I meant "a call" and you know it.

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
JOHN WATSON  
3:04 PM**

Of course. So girlfriends really aren't your area.

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
3:05 PM**

You're hilarious.

* * *

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
1:11 AM**

No, no, that's not right. He always has condoms. Come back to 221B, I need to think aloud at you.

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
JOHN WATSON  
1:12 AM**

Let me guess. "Condoms" translates into "control"?

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
1:13 AM**

Yes.

**1:14 AM**

And considering the fact that his DNA is shamelessly all over the crime scene, I think it's safe to assume he never has condoms.

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
JOHN WATSON  
1:15 AM**

Look at you, making jokes about your iPhone incompetence. This is a good sign.

**1:16 AM**

Although you do realize you made a joke about a rapist?

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
1:17 AM**

Not good?

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
JOHN WATSON  
1:17 AM**

Bit not good.

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
1:20 AM**

Sorry.

* * *

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
7:19 PM**

Come downstairs. I'm nor'easter.

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
JOHN WATSON  
7:23 PM**

Okay. I give up. What was that supposed to be?

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
7:24 PM**

"Bored". You might not want to come down after all. I may throw this godforsaken iPhone at you.

* * *

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
12:44 AM**

JOHN IF YOU ARE AWAKE I NEED YOU TO TAKE A LOOK AT THE NEW FETUS IN THE KITCHEN, IT IS CRUCIAL AND I'M ON THE OTHER SIDE OF LONDON.

**12:50 AM**

Wake up!

**12:54 AM**

Never mind. Case solved. The hound was the key.

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
JOHN WATSON  
8:03 AM**

You're lucky I've learned to translate your bizarre AutoCorrect mishaps, Sherlock. Anyone else would have been alarmed to see that the first text of the day is you asking them to look at the new fetus in the kitchen.

* * *

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
11:03 AM**

Don't be alarmed if Mycroft kidnaps you to some brand new palingenesis garage today when you get off work. He's eager to show off.

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
JOHN WATSON  
11:05 AM**

Parking garage?

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
11:06 AM**

I don't understand how AutoCorrect would ever assume I meant "palingenesis".

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
JOHN WATSON  
11:07 AM**

You must say it a lot if it's getting so cocky about it.

* * *

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
JOHN WATSON  
4:31 PM**

Has he been out of the country recently?

**TXT MESSAGE FROM:  
SHERLOCK HOLMES  
4:31 PM**

If you had glanced at his watch then you'd know he was in Times Derriere when his wife was murdered.

**4:32 PM**

TIMES SQUARE* I AM FINISHED WITH THIS USELESS PHONE. WE ARE SWITCHING OUT TONIGHT.


End file.
